Reparations for an unwarranted invasion
Nico Montoya
Issue date: 4/1/08 Section: Commentary
Have you ever heard of sitting in a cross-legged position? It is a revolutionary technique used worldwide to attain and retain perfect posture while sitting upon the ground. This art can even be implemented well without the use of one's arms as a prop. I think that I heard from somebody that, according to accredited historians, the Native Americans discovered its form and use sometime in the third century of the Common Era. The newly uncovered idea was crudely named "sitting Indian style" by pioneers (Indian is an archaic, pejorative, and terribly offensive term that means Native American, and it may be found in some outdated history books). The abstract concept of sitting "Indian style" was viciously and vicariously stolen from the natives by white settlers, never to be given back. These thieving "pioneers" saw how effective this new position could be when used for the containment of small children in circles or semicircles, especially when coupled with singing, handholding, and snack time (also inventions of the Native Americans). But did these settlers pay their native brothers for this idea? Of course not. But we can make amends. Here is what I propose:
We will pay the Native Americans royalties for every time we sit cross-legged on the floor. Twenty-five, or six to four dollars should be donated (depending on the length of time in said position) for every time that said position is utilized by a person, whether in public or private. This money will be split evenly among all Native Americans, with more given to the poorer ones. Also, each time a person sits in a cross-legged manner, a Native American must be admitted into the university of his or her choosing, free of charge, in reparation for damages to the Native World. Furthermore, every time a person sits cross-leggedly, the closest athletic team (in physical distance from the sitter at the time of the sitting) whose name or mascot makes reference to any type of Native American or related culture (e.g. Illini, Redskins, Braves, etc.) will be replaced with a large, furry, and less offensive image, such as that of a wombat or koala. Finally, Indians will all be given tax exemptions and will be allowed set up casinos full of beeping, buzzing, and blinking electric slot machines so that they can become more in touch with their natural roots. Modern technology was imposed upon them by Europe and this is their only escape back into the peaceful wilderness.
American Immigrants, we have given nothing of value to Native American but taken much. It is time to make reparations for the damage done to their property. We have invaded their land unjustly and now that we are here we should at least pay higher taxes to help them out a bit. It really is the least we can do.
(This week's newspaper captures the spirit of April Fool's Day and is intended to be read in a light-hearted manner. We hope you have as much fun reading it as we did making it!
-University News Staff)
We will pay the Native Americans royalties for every time we sit cross-legged on the floor. Twenty-five, or six to four dollars should be donated (depending on the length of time in said position) for every time that said position is utilized by a person, whether in public or private. This money will be split evenly among all Native Americans, with more given to the poorer ones. Also, each time a person sits in a cross-legged manner, a Native American must be admitted into the university of his or her choosing, free of charge, in reparation for damages to the Native World. Furthermore, every time a person sits cross-leggedly, the closest athletic team (in physical distance from the sitter at the time of the sitting) whose name or mascot makes reference to any type of Native American or related culture (e.g. Illini, Redskins, Braves, etc.) will be replaced with a large, furry, and less offensive image, such as that of a wombat or koala. Finally, Indians will all be given tax exemptions and will be allowed set up casinos full of beeping, buzzing, and blinking electric slot machines so that they can become more in touch with their natural roots. Modern technology was imposed upon them by Europe and this is their only escape back into the peaceful wilderness.
American Immigrants, we have given nothing of value to Native American but taken much. It is time to make reparations for the damage done to their property. We have invaded their land unjustly and now that we are here we should at least pay higher taxes to help them out a bit. It really is the least we can do.
(This week's newspaper captures the spirit of April Fool's Day and is intended to be read in a light-hearted manner. We hope you have as much fun reading it as we did making it!
-University News Staff)
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