Dinner and Discourse tackles issue of dating violence
Mary Schuhriemen
Issue date: 11/17/09 Section: News
Garza said that he has seen people in manipulative relationships say that they do not like something their partner says or does, only to be dismissed as too sensitive or old fashioned. "If that person won't alter what they are doing, won't respect you, then that is not someone who should be dating."
"[The psychologist] Erik Erikson saw that you can't engage in intimacy until you know who you are, because intimacy is a bit of a surrendering of one's self, a giving up of one's identity," Garza explained. This surrendering of one's identity is not a surrender to the dominion of another, but a giving and getting back of a fuller identity.
Garza then enumerated some of the red flags that suggest that a relationship is unhealthy. "I had a client with girlfriend issues," he said. "I asked what had attracted him to her in the first place, and he said that he liked the color of her eyes because they went with his car." This attitude, that one's partner is another possession or accessory, is clearly problematic.
Also, Garza said, if one's partner attempts to cut social, vocational or educational outlets, it is a sign of a poor relationship. "They are narrowing down your world, not letting you make your own choices." He added that, if one's partner claims that the other is responsible for his or her actions or behaviors, the relationship is unhealthy. "You aren't responsible for what others do. No behavior of yours forces them."
Garza emphasized that if friends or family members are concerned about a relationship, the couple should pay attention. "They can see that something has changed in you. You can trust them - they may be on to something."
Garza concluded his lecture by finishing the story with which he began his lecture. He knew that if he just told her to call a counselor and left it at that, the girl would probably never be able to get herself out of this bad situation. Instead, he walked with her to a phone, called the counseling service and explained the problem to them before handing the phone to the girl to make an appointment. He then followed up with her to make sure she went.
Garza had some advice for those who see that their friends are caught in an abusive relationship. "If you are afraid of losing your friend [by telling them they need to get out of the relationship], think at what cost: to violence or to your friend's temporary ire?" He said that friends should take an active role - offering to go with their friend to counselors, campus safety or the police.
"[The psychologist] Erik Erikson saw that you can't engage in intimacy until you know who you are, because intimacy is a bit of a surrendering of one's self, a giving up of one's identity," Garza explained. This surrendering of one's identity is not a surrender to the dominion of another, but a giving and getting back of a fuller identity.
Garza then enumerated some of the red flags that suggest that a relationship is unhealthy. "I had a client with girlfriend issues," he said. "I asked what had attracted him to her in the first place, and he said that he liked the color of her eyes because they went with his car." This attitude, that one's partner is another possession or accessory, is clearly problematic.
Also, Garza said, if one's partner attempts to cut social, vocational or educational outlets, it is a sign of a poor relationship. "They are narrowing down your world, not letting you make your own choices." He added that, if one's partner claims that the other is responsible for his or her actions or behaviors, the relationship is unhealthy. "You aren't responsible for what others do. No behavior of yours forces them."
Garza emphasized that if friends or family members are concerned about a relationship, the couple should pay attention. "They can see that something has changed in you. You can trust them - they may be on to something."
Garza concluded his lecture by finishing the story with which he began his lecture. He knew that if he just told her to call a counselor and left it at that, the girl would probably never be able to get herself out of this bad situation. Instead, he walked with her to a phone, called the counseling service and explained the problem to them before handing the phone to the girl to make an appointment. He then followed up with her to make sure she went.
Garza had some advice for those who see that their friends are caught in an abusive relationship. "If you are afraid of losing your friend [by telling them they need to get out of the relationship], think at what cost: to violence or to your friend's temporary ire?" He said that friends should take an active role - offering to go with their friend to counselors, campus safety or the police.
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